When you have hurt feelings, “clear the air”

Recently, I participated in a staff meeting as two people resolved a personal conflict. The emotions were running high. My role was to moderate the discussion and, I guess, make sure no one was injured.

For the purposes of this posting, the subject matter of the office conflict is not relevant. Ironically, I learned something about myself in this session that I did not know. The instant circumstance we were discussing had many factors, but one was a tendency for one of the two parties to harbor a perceived insult, hang on to it and magnify the hurt. As a consequence of not “clearing the air” at the time of the adverse personal incident, the internalized perception of the incident became malignant and toxic to the morale of the individual with hurt feelings. This only worsened the situation and made it more difficult to come to an amicable resolution of the problem.

As this discussion was taking place, I had one of those “ah hah” moments. A light bulb went on that I, too, am inclined to take in an insult, hold it tight, re-live it, nurture the pain and magnify the hurt feelings until it cannot be held in any longer. It makes me feel silly. Recently, I wrote a letter to a person I hold dear and discharged all of the poison I have been harboring for six years of hurt feelings. In retrospect, I should have resolved the problem six years ago, or at least I should have attempted to resolve the problem sooner. I have done this several times before. These missives are filled with noxious gases and venom. So, in the future, it is my furtive prayer to resolve issues sooner. I also have another alternative . . . act like an adult. We all have our feelings hurt from time to time, and learning to deal with them in a mature manner is well advised.

In 1964 when I was in business school, an old professor of business administration suggested that we never "burn bridges behind us." Apparently I am a slow learner. Holding it in and not working it out in short order is not a good idea. Clear the air as soon as possible and avoid writing letters you will live to regret. Clear air is not just for breathing.

Jan Jennings

Republished with permission from the Hospital News Group